A list of ways to spend your days when you are still waiting for that handwritten letter from Beyonce asking you to become her personal assistant-slash-best friend-slash-live-in babysitter:

1. Find any and every excuse to bake something. Got a girls’ movie night planned? Make brownies! Rosh Hashanah began? Make Challah! It’s Wednesday? Look up the most intricate and time consuming recipe you can find and expect nothing less than perfection from yourself!

2. Cry at least once a day in one of the following places:
-The shower
-Your car
-Your bed, circa 2 PM, midway through your fifth episode of Glee in four-point-five hours.
(*The remedy to this is generally a hot shower, a change of clothes [staying in pajamas all day generally lends itself to clinical depression], and a walk outside the walls of your home. In case, you know, you’re into the idea of not crying.)

3. Commit to reading an extremely long book.
Side-note: my father has read Infinite Jest “three-ish” times and has, for many years, flaunted the book’s awesomeness in my literary face, likely in hopes that we will someday be able to geek out about it together. Well, the time has come that I have endless amounts of free time and a serious need for mental activity. This is great because:
-This book is amazing. Insanely, annoyingly, brilliantly amazing
-Just like I used to stop my father every five minutes to ask a question while he read me the entire lord of the rings trilogy when I was, like, seven, I need somebody to hold my hand as I read this book. I can generate an obnoxious amount of questions which, if left unanswered, can stall any and all potential progress.
-I have someone to geek out with about this ridiculous new book that I’m reading
-I have something constructive to do that entails neither shouting expletives at a blank word document entitled “cover letter” or engaging in suggestion #2 (see above)

4. Take an impractical road trip. See: Exhibit A, Exhibit B

5. Spend exorbitant amounts of time in your favorite coffee shop. Sure, you might be doing the same stuff that you’d be doing at home without spending $4 on a soy capp, but it’s worth it because you’re around other humans, you’re not in your jammies all day, and you have the opportunity to at least look productive. Also, you’re allowed to brag about your caffeine addiction on any and all social media outlets.

6. Remember that you’re not special. You’re not the only person who’s miserable, or unemployed, or unsure of their life-long purpose. We’re all just making it up as we go along. You’re allowed to complain about how hard your life is, but probably only for about ninety seconds a day. And remember that all those things that can come with unemployment and general anguish regarding the meaning of life aren’t as cool (and certainly not as fun) as they appear in Kat Marnell columns and Hemingway novels: depression, drinking alone, promiscuity, unrelenting angst, etc. So maybe go to a yoga class, or call a friend, or volunteer, because laying in bed eating leftover brownies and watching an entire season of The New Girl on Hulu isn’t as fun as it sounds.

3 thoughts on “Funemployment

  1. How about:
    Travel to Los Angeles and visit her aunt who is going through empty nest syndrome and would love to have someone to tend to…

  2. Dear Marian,

    You have my sympathy; I went through lengthy bouts of unemployment twice. Keep doing the things you suggest, especially the ones that get you out of the house and around other people, doing meaningful things. Remember, you are not your job. And go visit your aunt.

I love it when you write to me.

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